I went to Mitzi's memorial service today. I got there late. I discovered that I had left my shirt at home, but I was suppose to get off at 3:30 but it was four when I clocked out, so no time to go home and get it. You know, I have never been to a service for anyone younger then 65. There was around 50 people there. Around 5 people spoke. It was rather moving. Her brother who is a pastor led the service. All of the people were . . .familiar, but I didn't know them. Or most of them. Everyone who spoke, was convinced that this time her sobriety would stick. There was a wide spectrum of people from all periods of her life. She effected a lot of people. She went through a lot. Her Mom left when she was four and never came back. Her Dad remarried and died when he was 38. Her step-mother remarried and that's who brought her up. She had a daughter (which I hadn't know until this week) and she was taken away from her. I'm assuming her addiction did that. I don't know anything at all about the father of her child. Everyone who spoke from this last period of her life said that Mitzi loved her daughter very much and that's why she was trying to get sober. So she could try and reestablish an relationship with her. Oh, how I wish she hadn't died. It's so unfair. But God knows, what her physical condition was. She had already had an heart attack and stroke at the same time around 2 and 1/2 years ago. She wasn't suppose to live through that. Maybe it's a blessing that she passed away in her sleep.
Debbie was there. I took this opportunity to apologize to her about Brad. You see, what Brad did to me, he did to her with me. I spoke to her on the phone when I started going out with him. She told me that they were still a couple. I didn't believe her. The pain was still very much apparent when I spoke to her. We will never be friends again. Yes, we were friends when I did this to her. Of course Brad was the ultimate betrayer. But I helped.
I did it and I can't undo it. We were all Brad's loving pawns. I swear, he must be a sociopath. Debbie is still friends with him on a casual bases. Is this a testimony to her as a loving, forgiving person, or is it a sign of a fool? I don't know. I can never be friends with Brad again. Hell, for the first two years, I thought about murdering him every single day, multiple times! What kept me from doing it was A. what would happen to my cats, if I did that. B. I didn't want to disappoint my sister. C. I don't ever want to go to prison. The therapist helped. But it's only now, that I can see it's like that story about the scorpion wanting a ride across the river. What he does to the women who love him, to get us in a position where he can emotionally hurt us, is his nature. It's his nature. He likes to hurt us.
Unfortunately I hurt Debbie by doing this. I feel like shit. Unfortunately I forgot that rule of the 12 steps, (which work well with us all, not just addicts) that you only try to make amends if it won't hurt the other person, or something like that. She has moved on, has a boyfriend. She is very scarred, because of him, and me, but she has moved on. I haven't and I only just starting to get there. But I'm never dating again. But I felt I had to do it. I should have done it in writing, I think. I have to go to bed now.
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