Back At Home

7-31-09

House sitted for sister last three days. Yesterday was particular hard as I was closing driver at pizza job. It's like they know when I have to sit. Took forever to get the walk in floor clean. I was literally scraping pressed on dough off the floor with my fingernails as it wouldn't come off with the scrub brush. Finally got back to sister's house at midnight.

Opened the door to poo smell. Yes, Arthur had the runs, four piles on living room floor, plus the fire place had been pissed on. Did my best to clean it up. Texted Jackie as soon as I got up as I was afraid that the people who are feeding the outside animals hadn't come, and Arthur had pooped because he had never gone out. Jackie ask me what the kibble box level in the kitchen was. I told her it was empty. She told me she had filled it before she left and that meant they were feeding them.

Back is completely screwed up again. Have taken relaxer and asprin. Rather painful to drive. And still! The chair, which is this bout's cause, still sits on the lawn. They never picked it up! I will have to call them Monday.

Took Library book to sister's and it has disappeared! I have looked and looked, felt under the bed, etc, and cannot find it.

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Have read "THE SECRET HOLOCAUST DIARIES: THE UNTOLD STORY OF NONNA BANNISTER. This is the first time I have read the story of a child survivor who included details about her former happy childhood life in Russia. It was very hard to learn of the fates of all her family members after she wrote of so many happy memories about them. Oh, the way she found out how the Nazi's were treating the Jews, oh, so horrible.

Today Was Horriable

july 28-09 not the 21th

The day was splendid until around 2:30, when I got a bolt in the front tire. Two very nice Christian boys help me change the tire. I tipped them $20.00. I took the last delivery in the van and then went back to the store and loaded up with the last four of the day. I delivered the first two in my town, and then headed over to the freeway to go to the next town. I went about two miles and started to hear a bumpy-bumpy noise. Yes, I had a second flat. I got off the freeway and stopped at a gas station. I tried refilling it, twice. I discovered that there was a slit on the side of the tire on the inside.

The owner cane out and we delivered the last two. He objected to my route. The problem was that I had stuck to original plan and hadn't thought about changing it. He then threatened to fire me and told me I needed to learn how to take phone orders.

I am very stressed and I don't think tomorrow is going to be any better, maybe even worse, as the owner is going to pick up the flowers tonight. Then the tires need to be fixed and I think the second one is ruined and the first is in the shop garage, because I thought the regular person was going to do it at that point, and she would need the room in the van.

I'm fucked.

Having Problems With The Internet

The Verizon tech had to come out. It seems my modem is going out. This is the first time I've been on the Internet in three days. He said it would come and go. I will be getting a new one by FedEx. This has been an eternity to me. Oh it is so embarrassing. The house is absolutely filthy, cluttered with bags of stuff I've been sorting out from the radio room and while I'm at it, I've admit to being a stacker. The computer desk is awash with paper and clothes. Thank God I have been tying to train myself to put my filthy underwear in the bathroom.
First Maria and now the tech. . . I am working on the house. Today took first load of books to library, and some stuff to the Salvation Army. Arranged for them to come and get the water bed frame.

I also called up the dump and arranged for them to take away the arm chair, which is so stinky from cat pee that the cats won't even lie on it any more. The last of the water bed coverings will also go, as well as Daddy's framed map of the world complete with his contact pins. I have no use for it. I feel very guilty about that, but I NEED to get rid of the filth and clutter in this house.

Yes, I realize that the only thing left in the house for sitting on will be the chair I'm sitting in. I will start a fund for new futons mattresses, and mean while I will start looking for a $50.00 used couch.

I look forward to my barren CLEAN house that only minimally smells of cat pee.

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Mr. Traffic has called me several times and left voice mail. I can't bring myself to talk to him. I know I should. I miss him, but I'm not putting up with the universe as seen through sex view point of his. I don't want to be felt up. I don't want to hear about how he and his wife enjoyed "Deep Throat". I don't want to hear about his sexual adventures. I'm not his girlfriend. I was suppose to be his friend, not what ever it is in his mind that says it's alright to say these things to me.

I keep thinking about that picture. Where was he and what were they doing that he was able to take nude pictures of his two daughter? Where was his wife? Who was the third girl in the photo? How did her parents feel about him doing that and having the picture published?

I Can't believe I forgot To Blog About This!

About two weeks ago, (I shall have to look up the date of the e-mail), my cousin Nigel and his partner Sonja welcomed their son Harrison to this world. Nigel has sent me several pictures of Harrison and I have had one printed up! Now just need to get a picture frame for it. Anyway, Harrison was full term (chancy in my mother's family) and has no obvious heart defect (ditto), and weighted over 8 pounds.

Nigel says he got home just in time to get Sonja to the hospital, where she delivered less then an hour later! There was no time for any painkiller like they had planned, (in fact, they had been planning a water birth! ) Wow, the options they have in England.

Harrison has a full head of hair and is indescribably cute. He did have a little episode the day after he was born, where he sucked in some snot and stopped breathing. He and Sonja got to spend another day in the hospital because of that, just to make sure he wasn't going to make a habit of it.

Have not heard from them since, but was expecting that!!! I'm sure they are just standing around gawking at Harrison, when they are not actively caring for him. Soon, there will be more news.

Went To See Mr. Traffic Last Night

I'm starting to get pissed off at Mr. Traffic. He keeps touching me, even although he knows I don't want him to. He continuously feels up my arm while "accidentally" touching my breast. Last night he insisted rubbing lotion on my arm, while babbling about how much he enjoys it when the health care workers rub his leg with lotion. He also started talking about doing my feet and washing my hair, which I vehemently said no to. He kept talking to me about sex with his wife, no, not details, I would be long gone if he was doing that. He also keeps talking about how sex is natural, nudity is natural, etc. Just like a molester breaks down barriers with a child.

The last time I was over there, he shown me a picture he had taken of his daughters when they were early teenagers, (if that) that he had published in a naturalist magazine. The picture shown three girls (I think he only has two daughters), naked, rolling around in sand. Two of the girls' breasts and pubic hair were clearly visible. Actually it was a great b+w photo, from a art viewpoint. However, I do believe it's child pornography. I pointed this out to him and he snarled that "the magazine had been exonerated". He went on to say how nothing sexual was happening in the photo.

He has told me, that he used to take his son to porno movies at the drive-in, and smoke pot with him. His interest in art is 95% focused on nude women. He tells me his co-workers have always given him pictures of their naked wives and girlfriends, so he can do a portrait of them.

I really don't like this. I think I will stop going over there. I'm to old to be fooled by this shit. I don't care whether he can get it up or not, he wants to do things to me I don't want done. The better he feels, the more he does this.

Budget is BLOWN!

I finally got around to putting the car in the shop, like I had planned. I had figured that the uncashed paycheck I found in my glove box would go to that, that's how it works in my life. Do I get to use any spare money on clothes, music, etc? No, I get that money because I need it for something important, like doctor bills, or car work, or getting the sewer unplugged.

I knew that there was something wrong with the front axle of the car. It was making popping sounds, and I felt like I was driving a clown car and that feeling was just getting worse over time. I finally put the car in the shop because I was having trouble controlling it past 45 mph.

Both axles needed replacing. I think the guy at the car shop said $475, but I'm afraid I freaked out and what he really said was $575. I will find out today. It had to be done. There's no getting around that one. This takes all the paycheck AND the money I had to rent a truck and pay for the dump. So I guess I will be slowly putting the bags in the trash. I have like 35 bags! It's going to take a long, long time to get rid of all of it. I'm afraid the industrial waste will have to wait until next year,

At least I can get rid of the electronic waste. That's in town, and free, I think.

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On the bright side, the cats love the radio room. It's filled with cubbyhole, and a desk shelf runs around half of the room. They are using it all to snooze on and to romp! Today I'm moving the litter boxes in there, and tomorrow, I will start feeding them in there as well. I will put the large trash can I have in there to store the used cat food tins. They won't be lying around on the floor like they have been. I WILL become more tidier. Do have to buy ant spray and go around the edges of the radio room. Just to be safe.

Progressing nicely

I am amazed by how much I got done yesterday. I have like 90% of the stuff out of the radio room. I have like 25 bag full now. I think I will have to make two trips to the dump. I have three piles, one donation to the library, currently very small because I forgot that I was suppose to give them all of the book, which means I have to go through the bags. The second pile is trash, and it is very large, comprising most of the bags. There was so much paper in there, unbelievable amounts, between my pissed on drawing pads and Daddy's assorted pissed on pads. Yes they were all pissed on, and strangely enough, some of them still felt moist! The third is electronic trash. A whole bag of ribbon cable, etc, towers, apple II in a filing cabinet. All this stuff is obsolete, Big floppies, little diskettes (would work on my computer), all useless because it's all flash drive now.

I will give my Cal-king water bed frame to the Salvation Army. I thought at first that I could load it into my car and just take it over there, but it's huge! I only have an Accent! I may also give them the containers for the diskettes and floppies.

I didn't realize this before, but I'm going to have to saturate the floor and surfaces with the cat pee stuff. Hopefully with the litter boxes in there, they won't want to pee on anything else.

I'm being slothful right now. Need to get my butt in gear, if I'm to get anything done, before going to see Harry Potter at the midnight showing! I went over to BF's place last nigh and used her shower. She said I had dirt embedded in my neck creases. I didn't tell her but I also had dirt embedded in my knee creases as well. The dirt came right through my clothes! They also reek very much of cat pee!

It was very strange, but halfway though, this sudden calm came over me. It was like being hit by a brick, it came on so sudden! I really felt like I had taken two of my muscle relaxants!

On Vacation!

Yes, only have to work one more shift at the pizza place and I'll be off both jobs until the 19th. So happy, only flaw. . .no alcohol! Promised myself I would get drunk EVERY night of my vacation.

Here's the plan (as far as I'm gotten with it). Take survey of radio room. Figure what to take out first, what needs to be stored for donation or disposal at a latter date, what supplies need to be bought. Do it. Complication. . .my brother has his office in there. Now mind you, he hasn't been in there for at least 14 years, and the lawn mowing business he ran has been defunct for 20 odd years, but I might need to give him some of his stuff instead of just chucking it all.



I feel free to throw all of my father's stuff out out with the aception of any documentation on the house. He died in '97.



Then I will take stuff to dump, library, Salvation Army. I will buy really big cat litter boxes, and oh ya! Get front axle fixed on car.



Then, the back yard. Don't know if I will get this far. Actually this is where the dump comes in. I want to get rid of the industrial debris in the backyard, so I can use the mower next spring. And to be able to walk around there with out risking dismemberment.

OOOH, checked fridge! Have one Smirnoff Imango!

A bit of this And That (part II)

I have decided not to finish the bullying book. I realized that I was wrong, it was effecting me much more then I wanted to admit. So, back to the library it will go.

Had a hell of a day yesterday. It's suppose to be the slow time of the year. It's not slow. No, it's not like the first year I worked for the florist, when I use to take between 20 to 30 everyday. But I am delivering between 15 to 20 most days. It doesn't help when things go wrong like it did yesterday. I had a lot of timed deliveries. These are deliveries that have to be at their destination by a certain time or during a window of time. I love those. . . oh yes I don't! I had a funeral. I thought Kristine (back from vacation, yaa!!!) had said it was in town. The tag I looked at, said the next town. Damn, I thought, as I only had 15 minutes to get it loaded up and over there. I get there, late. The worker there checked and told me it was back in my town. Araggh! I rushed it over there. It turned out the service was at seven. I had stopped in at the florist and got the other delivery for the funeral place on the way over. We thought it was for a worker there. It turned out to be for another service that started at five. Lucky that.

Delivered a plant that had been for a funeral three days ago. It had a nonexistent address, and it was addressed to another person, not the deceased. We had to wait on the sender to get back to us with a good address. It's amazing how many times this kind of stuff happens. Once we tried to deliver to people that hadn't lived at that address for THREE years! You want to send $120.00 worth of flowers to people you aren't close enough to know that they moved three years before?

Called the dealership about the car axle popping. It seems, unless I can provide documented proof that the CV boots were inspected in the last two years (since they saw it), I have to pay for it. Worse case scenario is $400.00. I called up the shop that did the thermostat, $100.00. Although I am willing to bet money it will take the $229.00 of that lost paycheck I found in my glove box, that's going to be reissued this week. Bet cha.

Got my hair cut again at the beauty school. Looks great! Wish I had though of this years ago. Total, $4.50, and I tipped the girl five dollars.

Vacation starts next week. I can hardly wait, even although I am going to working my ass off on the house.

While I was getting Goosie and Jilly in tonight, a black cat came up on the shed roof and meowed at me. It's obviously use to people. It was like a foot away from my head. My cats weren't upset either.

I am now going to retire to my room and read another book, about the Gardener museum art theft. [Quick note on library books, there was around only 20 new books on the new fiction sheff, very scary. Maybe I should blog about that next. ]

I am reading "LETTERS TO A BULLIED GIRL"

I don't find this as distressing as I thought I would. It's about a girl named Olivia Gardner who was bullied at three different schools (including a private High School), who had a web site dedicated to hating her, who had students at one school, wearing bracelets that said that they hated her. Somehow this got out to a newspaper and these two sisters, (Emily and Sarah Buder) started a letter writing campaign to her, in order to give her hope, confidence, and compassion. The letter writing really took off and thousands of people wrote her. The book is a collection of some of them.

I was bullied as a child. I was called dog, rover, freak, had rocks thrown at me, had my lunch money stolen everyday for a semester, and was sexual assaulted. I told my parents, I told my teachers, I even told the principle of one school. This was from the second grade, up to my freshman year in High School. Nothing was done. Nothing! My mother's constant advice was to hit them back. Ya, right. I had around thirty people everyday torment me. In order to not have to beat them all up (like I could), I would have had to make a "example" of someone. How would I have escaped a girl's ranch after that? Besides I was too afraid to. It wasn't so much the pain I would have to go through, it was what I would have done to them. If I had done that, I would have killed the kid, I do believe. And I knew that about myself. I was so filled with anger about what they were doing to me.

I also knew how to make movtow cocktails, and later, different methods of making plastice out of household ingredients. I often thought about fire bombing their houses. I didn't because that would reduce me down to their level. I spent years thinking about this.

In High School, I got myself put into EH (educational handicapped). This saved my life. Thanks, Mr. Lopicolo. I was physical out of that environment by doing that. I was with the other freaks, and baby, I was happy to be there.

I have blocked most of the memories, so I could get past them. But I am scarred. This has effected all of my life. I could say the reason I deliver flowers, pizzas, even although I have a B.A. is because of what they did to me, AND THE FACT THAT NO ADULT AT ALL TRIED TO HELP ME. The older I get, the more I wonder about my parents. What the hell was wrong with them? My father never ever acknowledged that there was something wrong, even although he himself had been bullied. My Mom's little act of defiance, she quit the P.T.A. Ya, now she didn't have to give up that night for reading. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil, Mom.

Ya, I have issues with the adults now. I've worked through what the kids did to me. I can figure out why, what I did wrong, etc. It's what the adult didn't do, that bothers me now.